Episode 5
Rising Up From the Ashes of Addiction with Joseph DiRoma
In this episode of the Becoming the Big Me Podcast I have with me here today, Joseph DiRoma of The Successful Male. Joseph is a powerhouse business man, recovering addict, and all around amazing dude. He is trained in ontology, somatic disposition, emotional intelligence, and specializes in personal development and leadership. We dive deep into Joseph's story of addiction, how he's overcome, and where he is today.
Wanna connect with Joseph? Here are his links ⬇
josephdiroma@thesuccessfulmale.com
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Hi! I am your host Djemilah Birnie of www.becomingthebigme.com . I have been building businesses online since the age of 17. When I discovered the power that we hold within our own minds my world truly began to change.
I love to write and have published some books, some of them have even hit some charts 😲 You can check them out here http://bit.ly/djemilahbooks
Ready to start playing BIG and step into your Big Me potential by harnessing the power of your mind? Then make sure you join the free Rewire challenge to get all the tools you need! https://www.djemilah.com/rewirechallenge
Don't forget to check out the little lady's podcast "A Kid's Perspective" where she answers your questions on all of life's most pressing issues, in her eyes, a kid! http://bit.ly/akidsperspective
Let's Connect! #allthelinks ⬇
https://www.facebook.com/djemilah/
https://www.instagram.com/mimi.the.genie/
Transcript
Alright. Welcome back to The becoming the big knee podcast.
Speaker:solopreneurs. Saturday, I have Joseph here with me today. I'm
Speaker:so excited to introduce Joseph to Joseph is a new field
Speaker:certified coach trained in ontology, somatic disposition,
Speaker:emotional intelligence, and specializes in personal
Speaker:development and leadership. Joseph first discovered his
Speaker:passion for people development, while leading teams and
Speaker:operations in the hospitality industry. Being a product of
Speaker:personal transformation himself, he wanted to provide support for
Speaker:others to discover their potential and get at the
Speaker:successful male Joseph is leading the way towards
Speaker:developing a global community of men into better versions of
Speaker:themselves, more purposeful, more confident, more motivated,
Speaker:high character leaders to impact their families, communities, and
Speaker:nations. Welcome, Joseph to the show. I'm so excited to have you
Speaker:here.
Speaker:Oh, thank you. That sounds I should have you read that more
Speaker:often. For me, whenever I'm going anywhere, stopped at a red
Speaker:light or anything, you know,
Speaker:I'll be a personal introduction.
Speaker:It's great.
Speaker:So Joseph, so I met Joseph, very recently on an app called
Speaker:clubhouse. And I resonated with Joseph's message so much as an
Speaker:added and rising into purpose. And Joseph has struggled through
Speaker:the addiction path as well. So I would just love it if we could
Speaker:just dive headfirst into the deep end. And I'd love to hear
Speaker:your background, Joseph.
Speaker:Sure. Um, you know, I guess like most of us, I started, you know,
Speaker:middle school, high school with a little dabble here and there
Speaker:of getting involved with drugs and alcohol. And, you know, I
Speaker:think the real catalyst for me was, you know, my, my
Speaker:grandfather, passing away on my first day of high school and
Speaker:dealing with my first real tragedy, right, like, dealing
Speaker:with the first time ever in my life, that something so unfair,
Speaker:and just that part of life that you just cannot even believe is
Speaker:real or happening and you know, he was 70 was pancreatic cancer.
Speaker:He was like a goddamn saint. I mean, because he met my
Speaker:grandmother and, and left the seminary as a Catholic priest,
Speaker:to go live a life with her, you know, and was always involved in
Speaker:social work, and just a high character and high spiritual
Speaker:man. And the, the the life chance happening that there is
Speaker:all the time that tragedy of life, took him from us very
Speaker:quickly, very abruptly, and robbed him of a lot of years and
Speaker:a lot of my time with him and I took that on very selfishly. I
Speaker:turned My back on God, I turned my back on all of my friends
Speaker:that were positive in there. And I just went into a deep hole. I
Speaker:had already been long before that started manipulation,
Speaker:lying, cheating, stealing things like that. I mean, there was
Speaker:times that I in sixth grade, I was grounded for six months, one
Speaker:time in my room, and I just sat there and listened to music
Speaker:every day, because this was before, TVs were in rooms and
Speaker:all that, you know, so. But what that started is it is, you know,
Speaker:I didn't have any way of coping with a lot of life that was
Speaker:happening. I didn't know everything was just way too
Speaker:bright, way too painful, just way too much life. And I didn't
Speaker:want to exist. And, you know, I checked into a residential
Speaker:psychiatric hospital because I wanted to take my own life, I
Speaker:was self harming. And I'll never forget this I was in. I was in
Speaker:the hospital as the second day. And one of my best friends, a
Speaker:girl named crystal, she was just so amazing. We had such a great
Speaker:relationship, great friendship, she made this humongous car, it
Speaker:was like huge, right and had everyone in our entire ninth
Speaker:grade class sign it. And she brought it to me and visited me.
Speaker:And, and I'll never forget getting that card, opening it
Speaker:and reading it. And really thinking in my mind, like, what
Speaker:are these people talking about? how can how could they possibly
Speaker:love me, when I hate me so much? How could this even, you know, I
Speaker:didn't feel the love that they were trying to give me to just
Speaker:lift me up, I wouldn't allow it to go in. So that really was the
Speaker:big, big point for me, of just deep diving into everything I
Speaker:can get my hands on externally, to fill this empty hole inside
Speaker:of me to fill that void, you know, as we call it, the god
Speaker:shaped hole. And I was on that path. You know, I was in
Speaker:residential rehab at 16. You know, I got in trouble with the
Speaker:law as a juvenile and then ate more times as an adult. And it
Speaker:was just a constant constant. From the time I was probably 10
Speaker:or 11 till I was 26 years old, constant trouble constant lying,
Speaker:cheating, stealing, manipulating a lot of high times as well
Speaker:where I would show up they just very Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,
Speaker:right as we call it, and you know, going through all that and
Speaker:I didn't I wasn't someone that suffered from any deep traumatic
Speaker:experiences, like a lot of our counterparts in recovery. You
Speaker:know, with physical and sexual abuse, I had emotional abuse, I
Speaker:had, you know, a father that wasn't there and dealing with
Speaker:those abandonment issues and not feeling want you know, not
Speaker:feeling love and and feeling like it's your fault. And I and
Speaker:I dealt with all that. But the biggest hurdle that I had to get
Speaker:over is being the perpetrator of injustice, not the victim of
Speaker:injustice, right, I was the one that was hurting people. I was
Speaker:the one that was objectifying and controlling and abusing
Speaker:women. I was the one that was stealing from my family and my
Speaker:friends and, and stealing cars and, and you know, doing all
Speaker:these radical radical out of character behaviors as a result
Speaker:of some some self centered resentment that the world owed
Speaker:me something. And that, you know, if everyone didn't behave
Speaker:as I wanted them to then I just couldn't live in this world. And
Speaker:eventually,
Speaker:you know,
Speaker:I just I got tired man. I just got really tired and you know,
Speaker:my mom and I lashed earlier last year we were kind of we were
Speaker:digging out some old thing my mom like saved everything so we
Speaker:were like going through a closet and had a shell he's papers from
Speaker:Florida Department of Corrections and courthouses and
Speaker:all this shit and I'm like, Mom, why? Why the hell did you ever
Speaker:save this? There's a picture of an old you know, 35 millimeter
Speaker:roll of film in there that she would take pictures and write
Speaker:the date on it of me passed out in the front yard or, you know,
Speaker:just when I'm in a blackout so like she could prove to me that
Speaker:she wasn't Bullshit, and I was the one that was full of shit.
Speaker:And so we're going through this and we calculated from the time
Speaker:I was 14 until I got off probation last time after I
Speaker:sobered up, around like 29. So I'm like 17 years, there was
Speaker:only two years where I was an under supervision from Florida
Speaker:State of Florida. You know, and yeah, that's a long time to let
Speaker:other people run your life for you and tell you what to do.
Speaker:And, again, the big thing was just and I think we talked about
Speaker:this before the other day, like overcoming that, that mindset
Speaker:that I'm the victim, or I'm not the maker of all this misery
Speaker:that I'm going through, right. So everything really changed at
Speaker:26.
Speaker:I would like to touch on one thing a little bit, because I
Speaker:know that so many people who have come from our background
Speaker:get caught up in that shame and guilt, because you're talking
Speaker:about the things that you did and, and I resonate with that a
Speaker:lot too, because I stole from people I did, I manipulated
Speaker:people, I was not a good, you know, a good person. And it took
Speaker:me a long time to get out of that guilt and that shame. And
Speaker:I, I would really like to ask, like, what was the biggest thing
Speaker:for you to shift out of that space of living, even act like
Speaker:after getting sober, of shifting out of that guilt, and that
Speaker:shame of your past and all the things that you have done and
Speaker:into the space where you are now where you are helping and
Speaker:creating? I would like to touch you touch on that a little bit?
Speaker:Yeah, absolutely. And I would say that there's three things
Speaker:specifically, that I would I would, you know, answer that
Speaker:question with the first one is, I think it's very important that
Speaker:people make a clear distinction between the emotions of guilt
Speaker:and shame. So shame is you have behaved in a manner that
Speaker:society, or your culture, or your environment that you're in
Speaker:has deemed morally wrong, right. So, like, if I go get a
Speaker:prostitute today, and I get arrested for that, like,
Speaker:Americans look at that as like, you're a POS, why are you doing
Speaker:that, but I can go choose whatever women I want out of a
Speaker:window and Thailand, and it's perfectly acceptable in their
Speaker:culture. So there's a very clear distinction, within shame
Speaker:itself, that it has to be representative of some sort of
Speaker:soul cultural or societal, you know, moral fiber that has been
Speaker:broken, right. So that's shame, right? And then guilt is
Speaker:strictly internal. So that is breaking my own moral fiber, my
Speaker:own moral code that I know, intrinsically, it is wrong, and
Speaker:I behave in that way anyways, and I'm dealing with that all
Speaker:myself, and no one ever even knows about it. Right? So
Speaker:understanding that distinction, for me was very, very helpful,
Speaker:and the language of how I talk to myself and how I feel about
Speaker:things, right. Number two is, you know, I had to, I had to get
Speaker:right, with those that I harmed. Right, and we call that making
Speaker:amends. And some of them went really well. And it was a
Speaker:spiritual experience. And then some of them were not so great,
Speaker:and they still fucking hate me. And so be it, but I did my side
Speaker:of the street and cleaned it up. And then some of them, it's just
Speaker:the best thing I can do is to never talk to them again, unless
Speaker:they reach out to me first, right? So you know, doing that
Speaker:work, and going through that process of deeply connecting
Speaker:with those I've harmed, and allowing them allowing them to
Speaker:forgive me. And I say, allow them because me accepting that
Speaker:they have forgiven me and not continue to guilt and shame
Speaker:myself, right and not be filled with remorse. And also going
Speaker:through the humility process of those that I harmed so badly
Speaker:that they're still hurt 10 and 20 years later, right? So it's
Speaker:important for me to be the receivership of their pain so
Speaker:that I can maybe get an inclination of the magnitude of
Speaker:what they feel of what I've done to them not to go and get beat
Speaker:up with them consistently by a bad I'm not a doormat, but to
Speaker:know that, hey, that's really how powerful we are as people
Speaker:and if we don't treat others with love and kindness, right or
Speaker:at least, be assertively disagreeable. Like, I don't have
Speaker:to be a dick. Then you know, do that, right. And then the last
Speaker:thing is, is
Speaker:something very specific. And it's called re Beatty, rational
Speaker:emotional behavioral therapy. And there's three self defeating
Speaker:characteristics. There's anger, there's fear, and there's guilt.
Speaker:Right? So anger is an it's all surrounding my negative self
Speaker:talk that we have. And, and anger is should so shouldn't all
Speaker:over everybody, right? Shouldn't all everybody, they should be
Speaker:doing this, they should be doing that. That guy shouldn't have
Speaker:pulled out in front of me, because, you know, he was
Speaker:driving around all afternoon looking for Jota Roma, saying,
Speaker:hey, fuck this guy, I'm gonna pull out in front of him today,
Speaker:cuz he's just that important. And it's like, no, maybe he's in
Speaker:a hurry. Maybe he's a dick. Maybe he has a pregnant wife in
Speaker:the back that her water just broke? I don't know. But I'm
Speaker:responsible for how to disturb I make myself with my own self
Speaker:talk when I'm shooting all over everybody. The second one? And I
Speaker:would say to shooting, you're just playing God because you're
Speaker:not accepting reality. Right? The second is fear, which is
Speaker:what if, you know, you'd be lying in your bed at night? And
Speaker:all of a sudden, oh, what if this happened, and this and oh,
Speaker:my God, and then this over here, and I'm living in the future and
Speaker:oh, my God, all these next thing? You know, I'm like,
Speaker:soaked in my bed sweating, and I haven't gone anywhere done
Speaker:anything. And I've just totally gotten myself afraid for no
Speaker:reason. Because just playing that what if game, you know, and
Speaker:it's like, that's just not trusting God, right? Like, he
Speaker:brought me this far to just drop me on my ass, I don't think so.
Speaker:And then the last one, specifically, what we were
Speaker:talking about is guilt. And that's should on self, I behaved
Speaker:in a way that I'm now going to beat myself up time after time.
Speaker:Because I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have done
Speaker:this. And the reality is, is I just need to accept the fact
Speaker:that it happened, I did it. Right. And except my own
Speaker:humanity, I'm a perfectly imperfect human being, and I'm
Speaker:going to make a lot of mistakes. And that, you know, a problem is
Speaker:just simply a human definition for an opportunity to grow. And
Speaker:I need to accept my own humanity, I need to move back
Speaker:into my natural state. And what happens is, is you take a week
Speaker:or two and you mark down in your phone, right? What self talk is
Speaker:constantly surfacing for you. And then once you learn what all
Speaker:of those things surface for, you can begin to dispute those. And
Speaker:then after a time, you just start disputing them more and
Speaker:more toward just never happens. And you're constantly living in
Speaker:our natural abundance space, where our higher power wants us
Speaker:to be so that we can be maximum service to ourselves and those
Speaker:around us.
Speaker:Wow, that's so powerful. So I use a concept very similar to
Speaker:that I call it stabbing holes in the dominating beliefs. So I
Speaker:actually have my clients go through as well. It's just like
Speaker:tracking what their what their automatic, dominating thoughts
Speaker:and the automatic dominating thought is that initial thought
Speaker:that comes instantly, right? It's not the other voice that
Speaker:talks over it. It's the one that's just instantly because
Speaker:that's how you discover what your true deepest seated
Speaker:internal beliefs are. And I have people write them all down, and
Speaker:then I literally have them stab holes in
Speaker:Hell yeah, man,
Speaker:like as a physical representation, because I feel
Speaker:like a lot of this stuff like that we're talking about and
Speaker:with the work that we both do, is can be so out here, right? It
Speaker:could be so metaphysical and like Luffy, that people have a
Speaker:hard time tangibly understanding it. So like, I love to do
Speaker:exercises like that to kind of make the thoughts real right to
Speaker:bring a reality to the thoughts. And do you do anything like
Speaker:that? Like, I'm just curious, do you do any kind of like physical
Speaker:representations? Or has it mostly just been the mental work
Speaker:for you?
Speaker:No,
Speaker:no. I did have an image of how I it would be awesome to like,
Speaker:hang it up on a target at the gun range. Yeah, that would be
Speaker:pretty cool.
Speaker:Yeah, I actually do I did. So I do it with my daughter as well,
Speaker:whenever she's like, getting all crazy, like stuck energy is like
Speaker:set up an area outside and we'll throw paint, right so paint and
Speaker:we'll just like throw paint and I tell her to channel all of
Speaker:that hate that you feel towards me. And it's such like that
Speaker:physical release helps a lot of people who can't quite make like
Speaker:the mental connection yet, just like in the mental space. Make
Speaker:it real and tangible and bring it to reality. So I'd like to,
Speaker:I'd like to kind of share a little bit more about what
Speaker:you're doing now. Because we, like you've come from this place
Speaker:that you were feeling all of these things. And the shift, you
Speaker:shifted into a space where you're really helping people,
Speaker:and you're really living in your purpose. And that's what
Speaker:attracted me to you was knowing like seeing how solid you are in
Speaker:your purpose, and seeing how that big massive shift? So I'd
Speaker:love to hear a little bit about that.
Speaker:Yeah, absolutely, I think the first thing that anyone has to
Speaker:do is they have to define it, you have to define what the
Speaker:purpose is of your for your life. And if you don't have one,
Speaker:you can use mine because I spent a lot of time thinking about it.
Speaker:And I wrote it down, and it's to grow and develop in the likeness
Speaker:of my creator and be a service to my fellow man. Right. And by
Speaker:man, I mean, man and woman, right man in general. So as soon
Speaker:as you know, I clearly defined that for myself, you know, you
Speaker:have a concentration, right? So I think a lot of times people
Speaker:think about focus, right. But in order to focus, you have to have
Speaker:concentration and clearly defining that then provides the
Speaker:concentration of focus for you then to magnify the results and
Speaker:have the impact that you wish to have in your life, right. And
Speaker:it's important to understand that, in order to get clear on
Speaker:that, you have to put everything away, you have to turn your
Speaker:phone off, turn the TV off, put the Xbox controller down for 10
Speaker:minutes, and just sit in a chair, sit on the edge of your
Speaker:bed and get quiet real quick and and start to think with yourself
Speaker:writer. For me, I sat down at a at a, you know, kitchen table
Speaker:with a blank piece of paper and just wrote down with pen, what
Speaker:is your purpose and then just sat there and kind of stared at
Speaker:the paper until something surfaced for me. And and and
Speaker:then I just made sure that day after day, I focus my intention
Speaker:on aligning my behavior with that purpose. So to clearly
Speaker:answer your question, as well, as you know, all of that stuff
Speaker:that I went through all of the harm that I did, all of that
Speaker:darkness, then becomes my greatest asset to be of maximum
Speaker:service for those that are going through the same thing for two
Speaker:different reasons. One, so that they know and understand.
Speaker:They're not that special. We're all special. But you're not that
Speaker:special in the sense that you're the only person in the world
Speaker:that's ever gone through that stuff. And that if there's a
Speaker:word for what you're how you're behaving in the dictionary, then
Speaker:someone on the planet has already done it before. So
Speaker:again, you're not that special. I think the second part of that
Speaker:is, is you that also means you're not alone. And I think
Speaker:one of the biggest things that is a driver of negative energy
Speaker:negative thoughts is, you know, as we say we're only as sick as
Speaker:our secrets is holding all of that stuff into ourselves. And,
Speaker:and and then letting it just rot us from the inside out. Because
Speaker:we're too full of guilt, shame and remorse, to share it with
Speaker:anyone because if I opened up to you and showed you that that's
Speaker:who I really was, then you wouldn't like me wouldn't love
Speaker:me and you wouldn't want me around. Right? But in reality,
Speaker:the instant that I share that deep dark secret with someone, I
Speaker:get so much relief, so much relief, you know, I mean,
Speaker:there's a reason why the Catholics invented, you know,
Speaker:confession, so many, you know, what, 1000 years ago or some
Speaker:hundreds hundreds of years ago, who knows they've been doing it
Speaker:for a long, longer than I've been alive right. Now, the
Speaker:biggest thing though, is, like I said, just taking the time to
Speaker:get to know yourself and clearly defining it for yourself, and
Speaker:then aligning your behavior to that.
Speaker:So I know for a lot of people that can be really
Speaker:uncomfortable, like we are used to spending time alone,
Speaker:especially this past year, but most of us have never actually
Speaker:spent true time alone. And by that I mean, minus the TV minus
Speaker:the phone minus the podcast even or books even or any of the
Speaker:other even if they're positive distractions, right. But any of
Speaker:those other stimulus coming into our life and just complete
Speaker:aloneness and for so many people, that can be such an
Speaker:income uncomfortable thing I know it was for me. And as an
Speaker:addict, I was always looking for, you know, ways to kind of
Speaker:silence that or subdue that aloneness because it was so, so
Speaker:uncomfortable. Did you experience that? And like, how
Speaker:did you push the rule? That?
Speaker:That's a great question. That's a great question. And I think
Speaker:the key there is, like you said, US rationalizing, what's a good
Speaker:distraction, and what's a bad distraction, and a distraction
Speaker:is a distraction. Just like there's distress and use Stress,
Speaker:Stress is stress. You know, I think all of us, now on this
Speaker:side have felt the feelings of overwhelmed from having too many
Speaker:blessings in our life, right. So. So what I would say is, is
Speaker:that that's one of the main reasons that I got into coaching
Speaker:and I got into people development that surfaced from
Speaker:leading teams is because everyone doesn't have the
Speaker:capacity, I feel to instinctively just look
Speaker:intrinsically, and begin to explore everything that they
Speaker:want in their life, you know, everyone hasn't been at the
Speaker:depths of low level behavior, like we have, where we know what
Speaker:it's like to feel a lot of a lot of pain, everyone hasn't
Speaker:necessarily experienced that, right. Um, I would also say
Speaker:that, you know, since they haven't done that, maybe they
Speaker:aren't used to being uncomfortable all the time. You
Speaker:know, so also, I mean, just subconsciously, we, we choose
Speaker:survival and familiarity over everything. So if you're not
Speaker:even awake to the subconscious, programming you have, then
Speaker:you're not even going to even start to look at that, right? So
Speaker:it takes leaders, it takes people in the community to kind
Speaker:of shake people up a little bit, and say, Hey, have you ever
Speaker:looked at this and, and just hold a mirror up to people, you
Speaker:know, even if they're good people, even if they're great
Speaker:high performers, everyone can always be better, and everyone
Speaker:can always, you know, have things to work on. And, and I
Speaker:know, for me, there was people throughout my life, even
Speaker:throughout my sickest times, that always stood out as, as
Speaker:people that I know, deeply cared for me, and challenged me to be
Speaker:better, even when I was in the shit, you know. And so it's
Speaker:like, Who do I want to be? Do I Do I want to be, you know, Mr.
Speaker:lashbrook? You know, one of like, the three teachers that
Speaker:made an impact on my life out of the, you know, what, 50 or so
Speaker:that I had? Or, you know, do I want to be all the other
Speaker:teachers? Right? Do I want to be the coach that deeply cares
Speaker:about his players and, and tries to impact them more than just
Speaker:making them a great soccer or football player? Do I want to,
Speaker:you know, make them a better person. So when I started
Speaker:thinking that way, with my teams, then, you know, the
Speaker:conversations that you have with them are a little bit different.
Speaker:You know, they're just a little bit different, because they can
Speaker:feel that you care about their growth as a human being. And I
Speaker:think all that, all that does is then provides a safe space for
Speaker:them to maybe think and, and talk about things they never
Speaker:really have before. Because someone believed in him that
Speaker:much, and cared that much to maybe even just ask,
Speaker:yeah, and, and on that note, like something that I've kind of
Speaker:learned is that by sharing what I feel the most shame for is
Speaker:like how we can actually make the greatest impact, like actual
Speaker:impact with other human beings because so many other people
Speaker:feel those same feelings, maybe it manifested in a different
Speaker:kind of scenario. So when we can be open and vulnerable and
Speaker:share, you know, our side of it, that helps show other people
Speaker:that one, they can be open and vulnerable with us. And to their
Speaker:like, you were saying they're not alone, but also just helps
Speaker:show people that it doesn't really matter. Like that path
Speaker:doesn't matter. Have you seen like you're very open and
Speaker:vulnerable with your story? And do you resonate with that like
Speaker:you like because you can make a greater actual impact like you
Speaker:can, there's helping people, right, and then there's
Speaker:impacting people.
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:Nice. Well, so That's really well said, I haven't heard it
Speaker:said like that. I like that.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah. Now you're now you're blown me up here. All right,
Speaker:great. Thank you for that. I would say that. You know, I
Speaker:think all of us have have been in those situations where
Speaker:someone says something you're like, Oh, yeah, man. Oh, yeah, I
Speaker:felt that I've been there, you know, and you you're not the one
Speaker:to say anything until someone else speaks up, and then three
Speaker:more people agree. And then you're like, yeah, yeah, that's
Speaker:me, too. Right? Yeah. I would say I'm someone that says the
Speaker:things that everyone's thinking, but they really don't want to
Speaker:talk about, you know, and you know, what, sometimes that leads
Speaker:itself to some pretty nasty messages, some discomfort, some
Speaker:people lashing out some and most of the time, it's overwhelmingly
Speaker:people saying, Man, I'm so glad that you said that. I know, I
Speaker:feel the exact same way. I'm so glad that you said that. Because
Speaker:now I feel like I'm not so alone. And And the thing is, is
Speaker:that I had a extremely large aha moment in 2018. And I was
Speaker:already way far into my journey. And then I was doing some very
Speaker:deep work in my ontology training. And, you know, I came
Speaker:to the realization that no one on the planet has ever treated
Speaker:me worse than I've treated myself and my own mind. So
Speaker:anything that anyone Does, does or says, For the rest of my life
Speaker:has no power over me, because I've already done it worse to
Speaker:myself. And that's a fantastic realization, but also a very
Speaker:empowering one. Because the instant that I share the things
Speaker:that provided me the most shame, I now render that thing
Speaker:powerless over me now, because it doesn't hold anything on me
Speaker:because I'm open about it. Right? It's like, you know, and
Speaker:that's the thing is, the fear of exposing that. Right is what
Speaker:stops people from doing it. I would challenge this, I said,
Speaker:I've been saying this on on all the podcasts and begin getting
Speaker:on to and, and it's kind of just a next level of relation healthy
Speaker:relationships, right. And that is, when someone calls you that
Speaker:you care about. And they have a problem, deep fear, they're just
Speaker:sharing openly with you stuff that they have going on. How
Speaker:does it make you feel that they called you? Right? You feel
Speaker:honored, you feel loved? You'd want to do nothing but help them
Speaker:and you don't? You're not judging them, you're like,
Speaker:You're not even thinking about judgment, right? And yet, it's
Speaker:so arrogant of us to sit there and not be open with others with
Speaker:people with where we're really at, and afford them the luxury
Speaker:to let them love us and have a two way street relationship.
Speaker:Right? That's absurd. That's arrogant, right? I need to go
Speaker:out there and build healthy relationships with people. And
Speaker:that means letting them be the hero. Sometimes, I don't always
Speaker:have to be the savior for everyone, right. And if I can't
Speaker:get to a place with people in my life to express my own humanity,
Speaker:then we're not really building connections. And we're not deep,
Speaker:deeply connecting at all. And I don't want to be a part of that.
Speaker:I already have done that for a long time. You know? And guess
Speaker:what? So now the people I ride with every single person in my
Speaker:life, we have deep, meaningful conversations. When we talk, we
Speaker:talk about real shit, we challenge one another to be
Speaker:better. We call each other on our bullshit. And I always
Speaker:always, always say I love you before I hang up the phone,
Speaker:because I want people you know, like Kanye said, you know, got
Speaker:to give people the road roses while they can still smell them.
Speaker:It's like, what why don't I do that then? Like, why do we Why
Speaker:do we always just wait like do it now? You know? And I think
Speaker:for people like us, we do that more because we know somehow
Speaker:we're on borrowed time already. You know, I'm saying like
Speaker:wow, you just gave me like full body goosebumps and chills with
Speaker:that, like I that resonates on such a deep and like speechless
Speaker:level right here. Joseph like that's so powerful because
Speaker:that's what people need and sometimes like to bring it back
Speaker:to what you were talking about before like the mirror aspect.
Speaker:those points those conversations that make us feel like the most
Speaker:defensive or make us feel like the most angry. Typically like
Speaker:that's because That hit a real note, right? That hit something
Speaker:that you maybe don't haven't consciously figured out yet, but
Speaker:your higher self knows, right. And that's why it makes you mad,
Speaker:or that's what makes you upset at the other person. And that
Speaker:just brings it back to what you said at the beginning of this
Speaker:interview is, is the mirror aspect. And I think, you know,
Speaker:being able to have those real and those tough conversations,
Speaker:without feeling that anger towards the other person for
Speaker:bringing it up, and it's okay, if you feel that anger for a
Speaker:little bit, you know, sometimes, like, that happens to me,
Speaker:sometimes I'll be like, yeah, screw you. And then I sit and
Speaker:reflect and like, Oh, wait, screw me. But like being able to
Speaker:have those open conversations where you can actually be real
Speaker:with the people who you're around? I feel like that's one
Speaker:of the biggest signs of growth is.
Speaker:Yeah, absolutely. Growth and emotional intelligence. Yeah.
Speaker:That's all it is, is, uh, you know, increasing your EQ.
Speaker:Yeah. You know,
Speaker:there's so many studies that show the most successful CEOs on
Speaker:the planet have a higher EQ than they do IQ. And that, again,
Speaker:it's one of those things where if I can get get to a place
Speaker:where I can talk about everything in any anything with
Speaker:anyone, you know, without getting rattled, it's a, you
Speaker:know, that's a good spot. But again, I would say to that,
Speaker:like, emotions are neither good or bad. They just are, it's just
Speaker:a matter of, we're always at choice. And I need to pick and
Speaker:choose what will serve me best to show up for myself and others
Speaker:and what's needed. Sometimes it's very important for me to be
Speaker:angry. If someone breaks into my house, it's important for me to
Speaker:be angry, because I need to draw on that anger and that
Speaker:adrenaline to get that perpetrator out of my house and
Speaker:protect my family. You know, it doesn't serve me though, to keep
Speaker:holding on to that for 10 weeks, because that person broke into
Speaker:my house, you know what I'm saying? Like, because then that
Speaker:that anger then turns into resentment. And, and and it's
Speaker:like, no, that that doesn't serve me, right. So it's clearly
Speaker:about choosing what emotion and how I'll show up. And that's
Speaker:most important, and like we were talking about earlier, you know,
Speaker:with the self talk, and taking physical action, like, one of
Speaker:the things I do with my clients is, I asked them, how those
Speaker:thoughts then show up in their body. Right? Like, is it like
Speaker:your shoulders tight? Can you feel your temples throbbing, you
Speaker:know, your nose heat up? You know, whatever it is? How does
Speaker:those thoughts can manifest into emotions that then surface in
Speaker:our body? And what does that feel like, right, because
Speaker:there's some times where the body is in control. And like,
Speaker:there's nothing at that point that unless you have an AI, high
Speaker:EQ, and are in control your programming, that then the body
Speaker:is going to take over and it's running the show, because it
Speaker:needs those. It needs that cortisol, it needs that dopamine
Speaker:from the from the mind in order to survive, because is addicted
Speaker:to it, just like sugar, you know. And, again, if you can get
Speaker:to that place, that level of awareness, and then you get to a
Speaker:place where you're constantly choosing how you show up for
Speaker:yourself and others. That's a powerful place to be, and you're
Speaker:going to be of maximum service.
Speaker:The funny thing about what you were just stating is like how
Speaker:our thoughts influence our physiology. On that same token,
Speaker:like our physiology can affect our thoughts like it's a highway
Speaker:that goes both ways. And it's something that I teach my
Speaker:daughter all the time is like where they're at right now. With
Speaker:the past year, we've been really focusing on emotional
Speaker:intelligence and just like how to navigate the changes, and
Speaker:whenever she feels frustrated, like I really tried to focus on
Speaker:like, Okay, what are those feelings? Like how does that
Speaker:feel in your body like you, you get tense or like, when you feel
Speaker:shame, like you tend to like curl up and you just like close
Speaker:yourself off. And so what I do to help walk her through it
Speaker:because she's so young, it's so easy for her to understand, just
Speaker:like the physical aspect, but it Trent It's same thing as adults,
Speaker:too, right? is, yeah, we're seeing ourselves too when we are
Speaker:feeling small, forcing ourselves to literally open and just like
Speaker:open up to the world, like do jumping jacks and get our body
Speaker:moving in the way that our body would move when we're feeling
Speaker:the way that we desire to feel. And kind of you because
Speaker:sometimes our head it takes too much like we're too in our head
Speaker:it takes too much to like think it through. But if we can just
Speaker:embody that emotion that the desired emotion With our body,
Speaker:it makes it easier to bridge that gap.
Speaker:Yeah, absolutely. And the somatic disposition that you
Speaker:speak of is called openness. You know, it's open energy, it's
Speaker:receivership. And like you said, it's you know, a lot of people
Speaker:when when we do that bodywork, it's their hands are, you know,
Speaker:out by their side, you know, open and their shoulders are
Speaker:back, and they're receiving welcoming, warm, right, very
Speaker:backwards energy to be a receiver. And it's amazing how
Speaker:just shifting your body can shift your thoughts. You know,
Speaker:like, it's, uh, it's interesting. You know, a lot of
Speaker:times I tell people, if you're in a bad spot, go drive around
Speaker:in your car and sing your favorite song. Yeah, like, as
Speaker:loud as you can, like, you're gonna feel better afterwards,
Speaker:and it will suck at first or, you know, and it's cool to like,
Speaker:when you, you know, just doing this work, I'm watching just how
Speaker:how different cultures behave, and their mannerisms and all
Speaker:that stuff. I was getting my haircut by my Barber, a mod,
Speaker:he's an awesome. He's an awesome Pakistani guy, Pakistani and
Speaker:guy, here in Tampa, and he always has like, Arabic movies
Speaker:on, right. So the other day, I'm getting my haircut, and this
Speaker:lady's like, you know, yelling at her husband. And to me, it
Speaker:looked like, you know, she was very upset with him. And so I'm
Speaker:like, I'm like a mod, what is What is she saying? He's like,
Speaker:she is like, pouring her heart out to him, of like, how much he
Speaker:loves him in that passion. But like, the, the, the body
Speaker:language was very different than how we do it in the western
Speaker:civilized civilization, you know what I mean? So it's like,
Speaker:understanding and just paying attention to those distinctions,
Speaker:right? Or, or like, even with animals, right, like, with my
Speaker:dog, you know, it's like, I'll come up to her. And I always
Speaker:joke around, you know, showing showing my son this stuff, you
Speaker:know, I'm a, I'm a parent like you. And I'll come up to my dog
Speaker:and oh, my God, how do y'all You're such a piece of shit, oh,
Speaker:my God, you know, I'm like, talk down to her white with words.
Speaker:But she only understands the loving body emotions, right? So
Speaker:she's reacting and getting all happy. And my son thinks it's
Speaker:the funniest thing on the planet, because, you know, I'm
Speaker:saying all these terrible things to her, but she's reacting to my
Speaker:body language. And the same is with people, men,
Speaker:and tonality to like, you can say, a message and it can be
Speaker:received 1000 different ways, just depending on the tonality
Speaker:of how you say it.
Speaker:Or on text.
Speaker:I can't tell you how many situations I've gotten into
Speaker:because of text.
Speaker:Yeah, they're reading it with their eyes.
Speaker:Exactly. That's why I now I send voice I do voice messages, like
Speaker:voice memos all the time, because I was sick and tired of
Speaker:dealing with the like, I'm like, No, I this is good. This is
Speaker:positive. give to you. I'm sorry. Like,
Speaker:that's a good call that I needed. I need to do that more
Speaker:to
Speaker:Yeah, and you know what? I do it on, like, when I connect with
Speaker:new people, a lot of times like on Instagram or Facebook, I do
Speaker:it there as well. I could just do a voice memo. Because like,
Speaker:I'm a huge believer in energy transfer. And if we're through
Speaker:the internet, we're in this digital age, like, How am I
Speaker:supposed to transfer my energy into someone? Well, the best way
Speaker:that I know how is through my voice is through using my voice
Speaker:and pouring my love into others. And I can transfer that just
Speaker:based on my tonality. And it's been massive as far as because
Speaker:like, I would rather connect on an authentic level with a few
Speaker:people a day, then, you know, automate everything and connect
Speaker:with 1000 people a day, right? Like that's, that's how I feel
Speaker:like I can make the biggest impact. And so it takes a little
Speaker:bit more time. Actually, it doesn't, it takes less time, I
Speaker:realized but but like people also just feel like they can
Speaker:feel the care and individualized attention. Like you're not just
Speaker:copying and pasting a message to them. And you say their name and
Speaker:and you relate to them. And like that's how we can make such a
Speaker:huge impact on the world. It's just by transferring our energy
Speaker:and like you were saying earlier, like how you tell
Speaker:everyone that you love them. It's like pouring that love
Speaker:because people can feel that intention.
Speaker:Yeah, I mean, you're spot on. Because I mean, I've been in the
Speaker:hospitality industry for 15 years. So our whole job is
Speaker:making people feel special. You know, that's all this just
Speaker:deeply connecting with people. So I mean, over the years, I
Speaker:can't tell you, you know, just like you said, How many times,
Speaker:you know, guests in my restaurants have become good
Speaker:friends and still talk to him this day. And, you know, it's
Speaker:you just you never know, my restaurant that I single unit
Speaker:that I ran for five years was about 15 or 16 minutes away from
Speaker:Moffitt, which is one of the premier cancer hospitals in the
Speaker:nation. So there was a lot of people that, you know, it's
Speaker:their first or last or consistent, you know, trips to
Speaker:all around the Tampa Bay area, they go there for their
Speaker:chemotherapy and radiation. And the only thing they want to eat
Speaker:is something that my restaurant then I have deep conversations
Speaker:with them on, what they're going through, and I listen, and I'll
Speaker:tell you a guess what, I did that for two whole years. And
Speaker:then my mom got cancer. And I'm, I'm her healthcare surrogate,
Speaker:and was driving her back and forth to her appointments. And I
Speaker:can't tell you how many tips, how many strategies, how many
Speaker:helpful hints I got from people that showed up telling me those
Speaker:things that I was able to apply to my life and show up for my
Speaker:mom and be there. And it totally made, it totally helped her
Speaker:experience, because I took the time to connect with somebody
Speaker:else that was going through that in my restaurant. And I think
Speaker:that's the power of relationships and connection,
Speaker:right is, like you said, they're going through this deep, dark
Speaker:time, I show up that with them with openness and love and
Speaker:attentive listening, they transfer that energy and those
Speaker:feelings and, and those those hands and strategy and
Speaker:experience onto me. And then I'm presented with an experience
Speaker:where I can then go transfer that energy on to someone that I
Speaker:love more than anyone and be of true service. And that's kind of
Speaker:and then, you know, now it's it's you keep passing it around.
Speaker:And that that for me is like you said, that's the difference
Speaker:between what you say that's how you make an impact rather than
Speaker:just showing up. Right?
Speaker:The difference between helping people and impacting people.
Speaker:Exactly. You know, and then those are things that I'll never
Speaker:forget, you know?
Speaker:And that's like, I mean, I believe that true happiness and
Speaker:true fulfillment, is when we discover that our purpose lies
Speaker:outside of us. Right? Like, it's not, it's not what can I get?
Speaker:It's not how much money can I make, you know, How big can I
Speaker:get? But when we realize when we shift it from, from the What can
Speaker:I get to what can I give, and that's when everything changes,
Speaker:not only will you find yourself in a better financial situation,
Speaker:just based on the laws of the universe, but also you find
Speaker:yourself actually happy.
Speaker:Yeah, and the cool thing is, is if you stand close enough to
Speaker:somebody face to face, you can see your reflection in their
Speaker:eyes. Oh, that's the reason Yeah, I mean, in art, my
Speaker:ontology training, we stood face to face with somebody for 20
Speaker:minutes without talking. And and then we all went around the room
Speaker:and shared five minutes each on our experience. And there was 40
Speaker:of us, every single person, the pairs, they knew what the they
Speaker:were having a conversation without ever talking. So it just
Speaker:shows how deeply connected we really are. If we're open to it,
Speaker:right. And that only happens by the reduction of me in the in
Speaker:the addition of wheat.
Speaker:I need to write some of these things down Joseph, I'm going to
Speaker:put them I love to put quotes like all over everywhere because
Speaker:I even if I don't consciously read it, my subconscious mind is
Speaker:picking it up. And you dropped some bombs on me and I'm going
Speaker:to be writing those down and those are going to be going in
Speaker:my space because Wow, wow. Oh my god, I hope you guys can feel
Speaker:this power from Joseph right now. He is an incredible human
Speaker:being and Gosh, I could tell we could talk for days. about all
Speaker:of this, like ever like I can't even believe that it's already
Speaker:been almost an hour like how did that happen? But, Joseph, I know
Speaker:that you have brought some value to our listeners here. And I
Speaker:want to ask you, how can people connect with you further? How
Speaker:can people further this conversation with you?
Speaker:Yeah, thank you. Just my name Joseph de Roma, Facebook,
Speaker:Instagram, as well as LinkedIn. I'm heavy on all those. You can
Speaker:reach me at Joseph de Roma at the successful gmail.com If you
Speaker:wish to email me, and our website is the successful
Speaker:gmail.com. And that will showcase the full community of
Speaker:ambitious successful men that were building our programs.
Speaker:Hopefully, one day we'll get back to live events where men
Speaker:can come and gather and have real conversations, meaningful
Speaker:conversations, and, you know, we'll keep driving the pace to
Speaker:to make men better to show up in their communities and families.
Speaker:Beautiful, and you guys, I'm gonna put links to all of all of
Speaker:Joseph's amazing things in the description below. So if you
Speaker:would like to connect with him, make sure that you check the
Speaker:description, connect with him. He's an amazing human being. And
Speaker:I I just thank you so much for being so open and vulnerable
Speaker:with us today. And seriously, like, I'm gonna have to go back
Speaker:and listen to this like 100 times because there was just so
Speaker:many gems that you just laid out in front of me and the way like
Speaker:we are extremely similar in the way that we think. But the way
Speaker:that we express ourselves is definitely different. So I
Speaker:picked up on just so much from you. And I just want to pour
Speaker:love back into you and just tell you how much I appreciate you
Speaker:how happy I am that you're still here with us on this earth, able
Speaker:to share your message and to continue to make an impact on
Speaker:the world.
Speaker:Oh, thank you for that. Yeah, I got a lot out of talking to you,
Speaker:too. I I love hearing like you said different expressions of
Speaker:the same principles because it just deeply resonates with with
Speaker:me and helps me think differently and see things
Speaker:differently. And that's that's that curiosity is the best.
Speaker:Yeah. Awesome. Cool. All right. We are good to go here. I'm
Speaker:going to make sure this recording saves
